Written by one of the most passionate people on this subject, our friend, Tofa Oloketuyi, who trembles in fear at the mere mention of the phrase “Clifton Hill.”
Like any other Southern Ontario native, I visit the Niagara region a couple of times a year to see my friends. As we drive down the same stretch of road for an hour, we always ask, “What should we do next?”. If you didn’t know any better, you’d probably suggest visiting the Falls.
I am not one to have strong negative views about things or places favoured by most, but for a natural wonder, Niagara Falls blows. The waterfall itself is beautiful and all, but my vendetta is against Clifton Hill, located adjacent to the waterfall. Clifton Hill is a strip similar to that of Las Vegas but is perfectly catered to 10-year-olds. Imagine a swarm of neon-lit street signs housing the cheesiest attractions, including mini-golf, wax museums, and outdated haunted houses. I can’t think of anything more terrifying.
There is something so irritating about walking down Clifton Hill that I’m not sure I can adequately convey how it feels with words alone. However, I do have many questions. The first being: why? Whose idea was it to create a corny strip in the heart of the Niagara gorge, and why does it work? They clearly knew what they were doing because, for some reason, it is always packed. Even in the middle of a global pandemic, people are risking their lives and the lives of their loved ones to walk down that street. I will never understand this. Pandemic or not, I have consistently shut down any plan to hang around that godforsaken place.
I understand the limited options for entertainment in Niagara, but if you are not accompanying children aged 4-12, why are you there? Additionally, I will always secretly judge couples walking down Clifton Hill hand in hand. I will admit to being a little stuck up, but I could not think of a more unromantic getaway.
If you’re thinking about visiting the Niagara Region with your significant other, I would recommend Niagara On the Lake. Much like the Falls, it gets old after a while, but at least there aren’t screaming children surrounding you.
Please enjoy the following picture we photoshopped of Tofa having a blast in Niagara Falls.